Recap to the Force, Life Force

Moved by a great woman MK, so I reposted my entry.  I deleted it from the last post because it felt way too in left field.  Also, I enjoy my family and never want it to end, ever...  Being open is very vulnerable.  Something I always tell myself I don't have time for, or energy for-  even though it's what brought me to everything in the first place.  Happy Mid-Week to you:-)  Endless gratitude.  

Still struggling with copious amounts of anger somedays.  I guess it's always been there.  Which was why I wanted distractions when I was young, or now even...  Distractions like seeing what others are doing, wishing I was somewhere else- that perchance I'd have better odd's 'if only' kinda thing, kept company with people who were not very nice, tried to be too nice, wasted my energy pleasing others who in essence didn't need that at all.  Much there, that silent shadow.I cried while I was frying tortilla shells yesterday.  Crazy, but the smell of the corn tortilla-  I'd been avoiding.  One single fleeting matriarchal entanglement with the past that was tied in with 'home' (Los Angeles, East Los, Montebello, Orange County... all of it).  And so now what?  Think I'll start writing more, at least the desire has reappeared.  It's good making clay things and weaving but god everyone has got something to contribute that's just too plain downright beautiful or well researched, is there any room for more?  I get going on things and it's like a tiny man on the mountain or woman see's me and straining her eyes leans too far over...  And.  Crash!  The avalanche begins, did I fail to make something that contributes to anything while that poor lady fell to her death watching?  The answer...  "What's the big deal sister?"  I make too many big deals.  Mountains out of mole hills when I try to make a piece of 'art' with my hands these days.  The kids need me, the house needs me, the bills need me and hungry tummys growl and naked bodies need to be clothed.  All practical, all clamoring for attention.  So I get frustrated very easily.  Quite frankly, overwhelmed!  I don't have it in me to judge right now.  So there you go.  A simple confession no one but myself requested to hear.   Maybe there is an option that I can be close to touching that flitting light that shimmers in skies and oceans.  Like walking on a foggy day that seems strangely bright, or getting to see fireflies fill the cornfields at night.  What else is there?  Getting lost and children wondering...  What are you typing?  They're asking questions and making music.  Where do I fit in?  Perhaps no where, maybe that's the point.  We aren't supposed to click into anything, it's loud and annoying sounds and confusing voices 24-7 chaos.  Without it there would be no lessons.  Or the realization of what peace and beauty is.  A distillation process, a liquefaction of elements that presses on a person hard.  Turning carbon into diamonds and minerals, we are all of these things.  I can't collect it all, or afford nearly half of what I feel most akin too.  Where does that leave us?  Fundamentally, in need to fulfill ourselves without infringement on nature who is really truly here to guide us.  When my fish needs fresh water she hangs out in the far left corner of her tank next to the water heater.  Seeking comfort.  That's the quiet way of the world.  Except for when my daughter is asking for snacks all day long, in addition to eating huge meals and the kids will eat us out of house and home.  Whispering in my ear at the most inconvenient of times, demands gentle and unrelenting.  But I am learning to bear with it.  Done now, before it's gets too complicated but gosh I could use a vacation! ;)  With my family most preferably.